EUROVISION SONG CONTEST 2006: LORDI'S "DAY OF ROCKENING"

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST 2006: LORDI'S "DAY OF ROCKENING"

Originally posted on:

5/23/06

Yeah, man. Anybody catch these doods on Mainichi? I don't think I've laughed this hard since I heard Axl got bitch-slapped by Tommy Hilfiger. Although I must admit--I probably laughed harder when I found out about VH1's new "Supergroup" show. Check out this pic of the "Supergroup" performing in Las Vegas. HOW FUCKING APPROPRIATE that these assholes have their show set in Las Vegas--the town that mimics anything widely known and hangs a slot machine around its neck. By the way--this makes it the second band Ted Nugent has been in which has featured the word "Damn" in its name, and the second band where the rest of the members in it all sucked.

Well, now....I gotta be honest before someone calls me out on that last comment. It's true--I liked Skid Row when I was coming up (I'm from Jersey and "I Remember You" still rocks) and I give Anthrax props for covering "London." But nothing else. That hat Joey Belladonna was wearing in the "Bring Da Noize" video should be used as an interrogation device in Gitmo. And, Scott, bro. Hey. Uh, it's, um....time to cut the beard, man. At least stop coloring it, dood. I know you got some serious dedication, bro, but, c'mon, man, it's starting to look a dildo. More than anything else.

Anyway, back to the Eurovision spectacle. Here's some good quotes from the article:

One day after five Finns in monster masks edged out a Russian heartthrob at Europe's largest and most-watched pop music contest,[Eurovision Song Contest 2006], some Russians complained Sunday that the vote was skewed against their country.

"Many specialists considered the vote for the victor to be a protest vote," [an anchorwoman for state-run Russian radio stationChannel One] asserted.

Oh, yeah, sister? WHAT. fucking specialists? And if by some stretch of the imagination these specialists actually exist--what the fuck do they specialize IN? Phone-taps? Vote-rigging?

Here's more absurdity:

"The sense is that the contest was more about circus performers, clowns and pyrotechnic effects, and not a song contest," Yuri Aktsyuta, a top music producer at Channel One, said in televised comments.

Ah ha!!! Guess what, Yuri? You're fucking retarded! You can't have a song contest with good songs! It's impossible! How many times must I say it? MUSIC IS NOT SPORTS. It's not meant to be competitive! The pressure to compete with other songwriters totally undermines the freedom, honesty, and bravery of the songwriting process. MOTHERFUCKING WORD, bitch.

Additional bullshit from Yuri:

"I will never believe that the song by the Finnish group Lordi was better and stronger as a song than ours," he said. "I think that Russia was the winner and the voting was a protest vote, to some extent, but it was unclear what the protest was for."

Sour grapes, dood! You say that the vote was a poorly veiled protest against Russia--but you can't even decide why such a protest was made. Shut up, dood. Just come out and say it, if you think the Eurovision Song Contest is about former Russian colonies or satellite nations sticking it to the Eastern European "man."

Here's more from the article:

The Finnish cartoon metalheads, who sport latex monster masks and spark-spewing instruments and sing about "the Arockalypse," scandalized some compatriots when their song "Hard Rock Hallelujah" was chosen to represent the Nordic nation.

It doesn't get more redundant than "cartoon metalheads," now, does it? The "Arockalypse" is HILARIOUS, though!!! Sounds WAY better than Hip-hopalypse. Cuz that shit doesn't really sound threatening. I wouldn't be surprised if God himself would approve of forever spell-checking "apocalypse" to "arockalypse." It would be like a God-wink.

"Hard Rock Hallelujah" sounds stupid, though. Like--I can seriously picture a top-button-buttoned, bent-wire-frames church band playing shit like this during Wednesday night service.

From a link to another Mainichi article about Lordi:

"This is a victory for rock music ... and also a victory for open-mindedness," lead singer Mr. Lordi told a news conference after the win -- Finland's first.

Nah, dood. This ain't a victory for rock. Lordi is just another Vegas-act blip on the rock-cliché screen. If you want to call it a victory--fine, go ahead. But it's only a victory over lame-ass cookie-cutter wannabe-J-pop, soulless, ball-less, radio-whore puppets. And that's an easy victory--a victory won by many better bands without costumes or smoke machines or spark-spewing guitars in a "musical war" that (sadly enough) probably will never be won.

I will admit, though, that I may have to take it all back. I haven't heard Lordi's songs yet, and I would prefer to judge them on their songs alone. In my experience, however, a band looking like Disneyland Prom Gwar often disappoints. Did I hear someone say Fear and Loathing in Finland? That pic is UPROARIOUS. Homeboy second from the left looks like he's got a big-ass chancre on his arm or something. And the dood all the way to the right doesn't even look scary. Looks like some asshole they cut out of Star Trek or some shit. And would this really be considered Finnish pride? I'm not sure. I'm surprised Greek authorities didn't sieze the film from this photographer's camera.

Anyway--I must admit: Lordi's lead singer may be right about this being a victory for open-mindedness. According to the article, victory was based on phone and text message votes from 38 European countries. Can you imagine a band like Lordi winning a similarly judged contest stateside?

Lordi's lead singer goes on:

"We are not Satanists. We are not devil-worshippers. This is entertainment," he added.

As if Lordi were in a position to tell the difference between devil-worshipping and entertainment. As if the difference has ever been made less clear.

Here's more from yet another Mainichi article that preceded Lordi's victory:

Some of the acts, like Switzerland's Six4One, stick to the classic Eurovision formula of catchy tunes and blandly uplifting lyrics, telling listeners that "If we all give a little, we can make this world a home for everyone." Ireland's Brian Kennedy offers a syrupy ballad entitled "Every song is a cry for love," while Bosnia's Hari Mata Hari hopes to bring people together with its love song "Lejla."

Others are more daring, or eccentric. Latvia's Cosmos perform a cappella on "I Hear Your Heart," while Germany's Texas Lighting is a country band, complete with banjo. "We are the Winners," by Lithuania's LT United, consists largely of the optimistic lyrics "We are the winners of Eurovision."

You know what? I kinda agree with Mr. Kennedy that "every song is a cry for love"--though I've stated a somewhat less innocent idea that every song is a mating call. And I'm appreciating LT United's "we are the winners of Eurovision" song. It sounds like it was probably the ballsy-est track during the entire contest. Although, judging by this pic, that might be a hasty-ass call.

Here's more hilarious bullshit:

Britain's [Daz] Sampson is a blue-collar rapper from Stockport in northern England who is backed by a troupe of dancers dressed as schoolgirls on "Teenage Life," a hip-hop tribute to his schooldays.

Wow. Haven't heard a hip-hop tribute to schooldays before. What a trail-blazer.

Here he explains his gutsy, gritty talent:

"I touch people's hearts," the 32-year-old rapper and DJ told The Associated Press. "I rap for the family. I've had letters from parents saying isn't it great that someone raps about something positive, like doing well in school, rather than guns and crime."

Oh, shut the fuck up, you braying PG-13 wannabe-Streets piece of shit.

Finally, here's a pic of Russian singer Dima Bilan--the homey who the Russians thought was the rightful winner of the contest. Kinda looks like a dood who doesn't know whether he wants to be a goalie....or a figure skater. Like--this dood is straight-up Eastern Europe on SNL. Or me in 11th grade.